Each of us will deal with the passing of a loved one in our own way and although the loss and the way we grieve will be unique to each individual most people go through a range of recognisable reactions and emotions when someone they are close to dies.
Emotional and Mental Effects of Bereavement
~ Grief
Grief knocks you off balance mentally, emotionally and physically. If the death was expected you may tell yourself that you should be able to cope only to find that you can't. You may believe that you're over your loved one's passing to discover that you're not. And because you have family and friends supporting you through this difficult time you may believe that you should feel fine, but you don't.
When bereavement happens your life changes dramatically. You are left facing an unfamiliar world and it can seem that you haven't much left to look forward to or fall back on. It could be the first time in your life when you've had to sleep and eat alone and you may have to do the household chores which you relied on the person who has died to do for you. You may be financially better off or you may have much less money, and losing a loved one may mean that you have no-one who shares your interests or childhood memories.
Furthermore, you may feel that you have lost your identity and that all those things you once took for granted are gone. But the biggest and most daunting changes you are likely to notice will probably be within you.
At first you may feel a sense of disbelief or numbness or you may be too upset to feel anything. But as the reality of what has happened begins to sink in you will probably go through some of the most overwhelming emotions of your life. You may feel like you are flying high one minute only to be plunged into the depths of despair the next.
Your concentration levels may drop significantly making you confused and forgetful. Everyday tasks such as making a cup of coffee or making a phone call may seem impossible. Your thoughts may return constantly to the person who died and your mind may be filled with painful questions concerning their death. But you may also feel relieved that they died at the right time for them.
~ Depression
It's not unusual for feelings of meaningless and emptiness to hit you during a time of bereavement. This often happens when the reality of the situation sinks in and you realise
that the person who has passed away will not come back. On the other hand, you may feel that you are coming to terms with the person's death and that your life is moving forward when you suddenly hit rock bottom.
Life can appear bleak and agonizing whilst suffering a bout of depression but it is during this time that some inner healing seems to take place. Many people report that after coming through this distressing period they feel happier and more in control of their own lives with the ability to look ahead.
Depression is a normal reaction to bereavement and it should lift of its own accord. If it doesn't, however, you may be suffering from Clinical depression. There are many types of treatment available for Clinical depression, with and without the use of anti-depressants, and if you feel that you are suffering from this you should contact your doctor for advice.
~ Anger
Lots of people feel angry following a bereavement. You may feel angry with the person who has died because they have left you alone. Or you may feel angry due to lack of understanding from other people, at the unfairness of your loss or simply because you are hurting and unhappy.
Feelings of anger are normal during a time of bereavement and it is best not to bottle these up. However, you should avoid taking your anger out on yourself or anyone else. Talking with someone who isn't emotionally involved in your loss can help overcome feelings of anger. Or you could try writing down your thoughts on paper and then destroy the pages or try thinking about the reasons for your anger.
If you don't come to terms with your anger whatever is troubling you will almost certainly continue to upset you.
~ Fear
It's very natural to feel fearful at a time of bereavement. Your world has been turned on its head and you may feel like you have no control over your thoughts or your life which will lead to a sense of vulnerability. But as you begin learning how to cope and start to move forward with your life you will regain your confidence and become less afraid.
It's possible that you may have fears concerning some practical issues. For example, if you have less money coming in you may be worried that you won't be able to manage on a reduced budget. If this is the case it is best to seek some professional financial advice from an accountant or bank manager.
~ Mixed Emotions
Mixed emotions and feelings are common following the loss of a loved one. You might find yourself wondering what things would be like if you and the person who died had made different decisions. Or you may find yourself mulling over past times wishing they had been different.
Feelings of guilt, regret and resentment are not easy to deal with but it is vital to come to a point where you can be rational about the past and accept it for what it was. This can sometimes prove difficult if the relationship had turned thorny or was a mixture of good and bad.
If a testing relationship ends in death it means there is no hope of mutual reconciliation. But if you avoid dealing with bitter emotions and feelings it can lead you to become angry, resentful or depressed. In a situation such as this it often helps to gain a better insight of the relationship you had with the person who died. Consider what was good about the relationship and what was bad to get a better understanding of who contributed what.
Remember, no one is perfect. Most people tend to do the best they can to get through the situation they are in. So don't be too hard on yourself or anyone else.
Physical Effects of Bereavement
Grief takes a lot out of you emotionally which in turn will have a bearing on your physical health. You may have difficulty sleeping or your sleep may be interrupted by vivid dreams.
You might lose your appetite, feel short of breath, restless or lethargic. If you were caring for the person who died or went through an anxious time before they passed away you will probably feel physically exhausted.
It's essential to take extra care of your physical wellbeing during a period of bereavement. Take some gentle exercise, do your best to eat well and get some additional rest even if you don't sleep.
Life After Bereavement
Coming to terms with the death of a close friend or relative isn't easy and it seems to happen in spurts. One day you might talk rationally about the person, the illness and their death, the next you might be in floods of tears at the mere mention of their name.
Letting your feelings come out while dealing with the practical issues of your new situation, thinking about the present as well as the past, will help you get used to the reality of your loss and will reduce some of the sorrow you feel.
If your beliefs are based on a certain religion or philosophy or even if they are very much your own creation they may be of great comfort to you during your time of bereavement. But it is possible that they will not stand up to the challenges of your situation and you could feel let down or lost.
This can be unsettling but it may provide you with a chance to look at life from a new angle and may lead to a strengthening of your beliefs or values. Conversely, you may decide that they no longer hold any significance for you and you might choose to explore new ways of bringing meaning to life. It's up to you to decide what is best for yourself.
Finally, getting over the death of a loved one is not a race. Take as much time as you need and remember to be good to yourself. Slowly you will develop a way of living without the person by your side but very much with you in your heart.
